If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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