I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
