Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
