I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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