the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
