a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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