I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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