I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im six kinds of drunk right now
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
