yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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