Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think I have vodka in my lungs
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
