He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
