my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My feet surprised me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
