I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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