Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
