i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
