I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
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