I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I'm always down for nudity.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
