Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
