I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
