i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I intend to get homeless drunk
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
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