nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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