I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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