go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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