96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
