Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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