I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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