i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I don't deserve a penis
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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