Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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