we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
