i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
