The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
