You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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