I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
