Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
