good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
