So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
