i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
MIDGETS
????
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
