the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
