my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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