Do you still have your period?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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