I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
