So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
