I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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