I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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