Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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