Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
