just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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