at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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