3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
