she smelled like a LAN party
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
