Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
