i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I need a beard to bite.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
