It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
