i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize