I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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