"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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